A few years ago, I watched a drama called I’m Home, about an alpha-male corporate ladder climber who woke up from an accident with near-total amnesia. The protagonist has divorced and remarried. And he has a fraught relationship with his daughter from his first marriage.
Throughout the course of the series, the protagonist – as you’d expect – comes to learn the importance of putting human relationships above greed, and becomes a changed man. As an American, however, I was struck how, at the end of the story, there was a clear implication that he and his first daughter were going their separate ways. There were no plans for them to see one another regularly, or for him to be a presence in her life.
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ToggleSingle-Parent Custody the Norm
I eventually learned – in a very direct and personal way – that this wasn’t uncommon. For several years, I was married to a woman from Tokyo. When we got married, we had numerous conflicts because I was still on good terms with my ex-wife, and we had multiple holidays and events throughout the year that we shared together – not as husband and wife, but as mother and father to our children.
My spouse and I eventually settled on a compromise that worked for everyone involved. But her initial reaction was befuddlement that I hadn’t cut ties (縁を切る) with my ex completely.
This state of affairs is summed up well in a recent article in Toyo Keizai by couples counselor Terakado Miwako (寺門美和子). Out of all of the G7 countries, Japan is the only one where single-parent custody is currently the norm. It’s commonplace for one parent (usually the mother) to gain custody of a couples’ children in the divorce, and for the non-custodial parent to have no visitation rights afterwards. (Terakado says that some spouses have even asked her how they can legally deny access to a partner who’s requesting visitation rights.) As a result, only 30% of non-custodial parents in Japan see their kids after divorce[1].
While mothers get custody of children in 80% of all divorce cases, the situation remains the same regardless of who becomes the custodial parent. In her upcoming book Intimate Disconnections from Chicago Press (scheduled for 2020 publication)[2], Dr. Allison Alexy, who specializes in relationships and intimacy in Japanese culture, cites one famous case: former Prime Minister Koizumi Junichiro (小泉純一郎), who divorced his wife Miyamoto Kayoko in 1982. Koizumi won custody of their elder two sons, and Miyamoto retained custody of their youngest. Miyamoto didn’t see her elder sons (politician Koizumo Shinjirou and TV personality Kotaro) for 30 years, despite repeated requests for contact. And Koizumi has reportedly never met his youngest son.
The Activists Fighting for Change
Why does this custom persist? Besides the usual explanation of cultural homeostatis, a simple explanation is that it’s baked into the law. As Dr. Alexy discusses, parental rights in Japan are actually legally divided into parental rights (親権; shinken) and care and custodial rights (監護権). In all but 0.5% of divorces, these two rights are bestowed to a single parent.
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Another reason may be that most divorces never see the light of a courtroom. In Japan, between 87% and 90% of divorces are consensual[3] (協議離婚; kyougi rikon) – meaning, divorce is agreed upon and finalized by both parties. Another 10% of divorces are settled through mediation. In other words, there’s a huge incentive to just “do what everyone else does.”
Not everyone, however, thinks this is the best approach. Some activists are calling for a shift toward joint parenting (共同養育; kyoudou youiku), arguing that a joint approach is not only easier for the custodial parent, but is ultimately in the best interest of children.
Terakado in particular profiles an organization called Re-musubi (りむすび)[4]. Its founder, Shibahashi Akiko, is herself a divorced mother who had originally intended to sever contact with her husband completely once her divorce was finalized. However, after seeing her daughter’s face light up upon seeing her father for the first time in ages, Shibahashi did a complete 180. Shibahashi’s Re-musubi (“re-bonding”) now works equally with both sides of a divorcing couple to pave a path toward joint parenting post-divorce.
But Is Joint Custody Always The Best?
Of course, there’s a flip side to this: there may be a good reason parents in Japan don’t want anything to do with one another post-divorce.
While the number one cause of divorce for both men and women in Japan[5] is “incompatibility” (性格が合わない; seikaku ga awanai), the number two reason for women is domestic violence (暴力を振るう; bouryoku o furuu). Some 14,000+ women – or close to 8% of all divorcees – cited violence as their reason for leaving a marriage. Another 12,460 women reported divorcing due to psychological abuse. It’s obvious why women in such situations wouldn’t want anything to do with their spouses – and why they’d want to keep their children away from them as well.
Additionally, the “separate ways” policy of divorced Japanese couples leads to another issue: financially struggling single mothers. Because of the fast nature of most divorces in Japan, child support from the non-custodial parent often isn’t ordered or established – and, even when it is, often isn’t legally enforced. As a result, only 20% of single mothers receive child support from their ex-husbands[6]. Since women – and particularly single mothers – have a difficult time finding full-time employment in Japan, this means that the majority of single mother households are subsisting on less than USD $30,000 a year, as women struggle to balance work with child rearing.
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As Terakado, Dr. Alexy and others note, this situation isn’t ideal for children, who are forced to deal with the pain of parental separation. There are likely many cases in which a more generous sharing of parental custody and responsibilities would be beneficial, not just to children, but to single mothers who struggle with the responsibilities of singe parenting.
As a divorced dad who’s had the benefit of a close relationship with his kids, this issue resonates with me. I feel for the dads in Japan who want a relationship with their kids post-divorce. On the other hand, custody isn’t an issue that can be addressed in isolation. The safety and financial stability of mothers must also be taken into account in any meaningful reform. In the end, child custody in Japan is a complex and thorny issue without any quick fixes.
What to Read Next
Four Reasons Why Japan’s Marriage Rate is Decreasing
Sources
[1] 離婚後も円満に子供に会える「共同養育」とは?Toyo Keizai
[2] Intimate Disconnections. Dr. Alison Alexy
[3] 「協議離婚」の割合は87.2%、「調停離婚」は10.0%. SeniorGuide
[4] Re-musubi
[5] 日本の夫婦の離婚率は35%!実態と原因・離婚回避のためにできること. Rikon-Pro
[6] 母子家庭、養育費支払い2割どまり 「食費切り詰め」. Nikkei