Needling your partner into buying you a frivolous gift. Acting coy to convince a coworker to do some menial task for you, even though you’re more than capable of performing that task yourself. Pouting and splaying yourself dramatically across the nearest surface to get someone’s attention.
Chances are, you’ve engaged in similar indulgent behaviors. There’s even a word for this in Japanese: amae (甘え). Amae derives from the verb amaeru (甘える) meaning to depend on others, act like a spoiled child, or presume on another’s kindness for emotional fulfillment.
Popularized by psychoanalyst Doi Takeo in the early 70s, amae has been hailed by some as the keyword explaining the “Japanese psyche.” It’s undergone numerous dissections in both Japanese and Western academic articles and used to differentiate Japanese and Western child-rearing habits.
Is amae that unique to Japan? The short answer is no. But how and why did it become viewed as a Japanese-only concept?
A Linguistic Look at Amae
Amae already existed in the Japanese lexicon prior to Doi’s “discovery.” Amai (甘い) is also common, meaning “sweet, “sugary,” and “naive,” among other definitions. It’s also similar to the verb amayakasu (甘やかす) meaning to pamper or spoil.
Amae has morphed into other nominal forms as well. 甘えん坊 (amaenbo) describes a spoiled person or animal who constantly demands affection. Your cat begging for head scratches every fifteen minutes when you’re trying to read a book is acting amaenbo. A simple YouTube search of 甘えん坊 will garner you hundreds of videos of cats, dogs, even rabbits acting amae, begging for treats or pets, much to the laughing consternation of their owners. The videos with humans feature a more intimate and playful dynamic, usually with a woman acting coquettish towards her boyfriend.
甘え上手 (amae jouzu) is used to describe someone who’s very good at giving puppy-dog eyes and getting others to spoil or do something for them. For example, I was very skilled at coaxing my ex to dispose of any spiders or earwigs in the apartment, even though I wasn’t particularly grossed out by those insects and could do it myself.
Doi’s Definition of Amae
Doi Takeo (土居 健郎) is the person credited with framing amae as a psychological phenomenon at the core of Japanese social interactions. He was a psychoanalyst and professor at the University of Tokyo. He also practiced abroad in the United States, and his various culture shocks drove him to explore “what made the Japanese what they were.” His work culminated in the 1971 book “The Structure of Amae” (甘えの構造 (Amae no Kozo). Doi’s book became a bestseller, and was translated into English in 1973 by John Bester, who rendered amae as ‘dependence.’
Doi loosely defines amae as the desire “to depend and presume upon another’s love or bask in another’s indulgence.” The ideal relationship to express this need is that between a parent (usually a mother) and child:
“The psychological prototype of ‘amae’ lies in the psychology of the infant in its relationship to its mother; not a newborn infant, but an infant who has already realized that its mother exists independently of itself … [A]s its mind develops it gradually realizes that itself and its mother are independent existences, and comes to feel the mother as something indispensable to itself, it is the craving for close contact thus developed that constitutes, one might say, amae.”
Doi Takeo, The Anatomy of Dependence, trans. John Bester
A child begging for a snack or story while the mother is working is an example of amae. The emotional reward is priceless and beneficial to both parties, as “the child experiences a sweet sensation of being taken care of, while the mother feels needed and trusted.”
Reception to Doi’s Work
Doi’s book may have become a bestseller, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t without criticism. Some critics didn’t like the vague openness of Doi’s definition and lack of empirical data to back his claims. Others found the book leaned too closely towards Nihonjinron (日本人論), texts that perpetuate Japan’s national and cultural uniqueness.
While Doi does point out that amae exists in other cultures, he argues that Japan is unique in having a word for it ingrained in their daily lexicon. He would be correct there. However, Doi also partly hinges his argument on the inability to translate amae into English. Yet translators have found suitable English counterparts, such as “whining,” “pouting,” “coaxing,” and “sulking.” Spoiling or indulging someone tends to be looked down upon in the US; the English translations thus inevitably carry somewhat negative connotations. Alternatively, a translation can be found through a combination of words, some of which Doi provides himself such as “wish to be loved” or “dependency needs.” The point remains that just because a word doesn’t have an exact equivalent in another language doesn’t mean it’s impossible to translate or doesn’t exist in another culture.
Amae in the Wild
With such a broad definition, amae has been used to excuse numerous behaviors and social constructs. This 2019 BBC article conflates amae with workplace sexism, citing an example of a male boss demanding his female employees serve tea. Again, that’s not amae, just sexism. An example of amae within this scenario can still be found, but in order for it to be an act of amae, we would have to see the female employees beguiling their male boss into serving tea instead. A proper representation of amae is one where an individual within the subservient position is able to leverage control over one in a dominant position. The example in the BBC article merely reinforces the sexist gender roles that continue to perpetuate Japanese society.
However, acting amae in the workplace can be disadvantageous, especially if you’re a woman. This incredibly sexist article laments the behavior of “pampered women” who hoist difficult tasks on their male coworkers who, of course, take their careers much more seriously than women do. There’s also a massive amount of articles on how to perform amae at work or in romantic relationships, and most of them are geared towards women. Amae to a certain extent falls under the umbrella of kawaii, or cute. However, articles like these enforce the idea that women have to act childish and manipulative to get their way.
Rather than an emotion, amae covers a variety of behaviors, relationships, and mutual understandings. It’s also considered unacceptable to act coquettish and needy with someone who hasn’t agreed to engage in that behavior. Age and social status also play a part. I’d act needy to my boyfriend of two years, but I wouldn’t presume to do the same with a new coworker, especially if they were younger than me. Successfully carrying out amae involves the ability to read social cues, a skill not everyone is adept at or capable of doing.
Does amae exist in other countries outside of Japan? You bet. Amae isn’t unique to Japan; the only unique factor lies in how embedded amae is in the Japanese language. As many have pointed out, there’s a danger in casting amae as a purely Japanese concept; doing so perpetuates the myth that Japan, and therefore Japanese people, are special. Calling amae the foundation of all social interactions in Japan erases the myriad other ways relationships between people form. It also smacks of homogeneity — numerous other ethnic communities who call Japan home may not necessarily structure relationships on amae.
Recently, it’s been trendy for non-Japanese writers to pen pieces elucidating on a profound Japanese word (which contributed to the birth of “the Japanese art of _____” meme). Fortunately, amae hasn’t fallen prey to too many Western romanticizing clickbait pieces. Hopefully it stays that way.
Sources
Doi, T. (1973). The anatomy of dependence. (Trans. John Bester). Kodansha International.
Niiya, Y., Ellsworth, P. C., & Yamaguchi, S. (2006). Amae in Japan and the United States: An exploration of a “culturally unique” emotion. Emotion, 6(2), 279–295. doi:10.1037/1528-3542.6.2.279
